Patti Smith

Fog streams like the wet smoke of thousands maundering wandering and you want and need and want what you live without. Billionaires blow smoke rings wondering in empty crowds crowding foxholes; the treetips glisten they are listening out east. We've gone this far to the far edge. We'll hold our breath like fog and blow out envious foghorns for the boring youth wanting teaching want and needing. This time tomorrow the whole earth will fold us and hold us meandering with the thousand horses. I'm not eating not drinking this breathing smoke this folding stream of westerns. Let's walk in fog with trees and listen. You and me out here on this edge of earth spinning.

Lottery Ticket

I thought and thought about this ticket. I couldn't shake it. It was a calm thing, not obsessive, it would come to mind and I would know. I was strangely resolved: OK, this is it, this is the ticket, I gotta check the numbers. But I didn't, I'd forget. And I was calm about it: doesn't matter, it'll still be a winner when I get around to it. I took it to bed one night with a pile of magazines and the laptop to check the numbers. Somehow with the magazines and the laptop and getting under the covers I suddenly couldn't find it. Oh well, it's 11, M's asleep, I'll find it in the morning still a winner, don't want to rush this. But who thinks of the lottery in the morning, the lottery's definitely a mid-day thing, an early afternoon thing, like, should I have another cup of coffee? Maybe I'll win the lottery... The whole process starts over. That afternoon I remember: when I get home I have to find that ticket. I forget of course and another whole day passes. I fill M in and she says, okay, let's find that ticket. So we unmake the bed and remake the bed. We look through the magazines, through laundry in the basket near the bed. I look between the mattress and box spring. Pillow cases. In books. In the pockets of my robe, pajamas, anything I might have worn in the last week. I look at the cat laying over in the corner. I start to become silently angry at M. She throws everything away, my keys, my wallet and passport, just picks shit up and with no discrimination throws it in the garbage, she threw our future in to the garbage, our amazing future of multiple homes and traveling nannies and daily massage. The horoscope guy writes something about the lottery and about goblets overflowing with champagne. Goddamn that horoscope guy. I'll have another look tomorrow. I'm going to look in the girls' rooms. I don't want anything thrown out and everything that leaves the house must be searched. I bought another ticket tonight. It's possible to win twice. Probably more than twice. I'll check the numbers tomorrow.

Big Story

I'm off today, burning time. I've managed the compost and am now soaking cushion covers in Oxyclean. I've watched SportsCenter 3 times. I like the subtle change in the commentary of Hannah and Van Pelt as each story repeats in the cycle. Big story today? Probably Dez Bryant spending 55 grand on dinner for the team at some steak house. The team's not THAT big, right? Were these thousand dollar steaks?
Did I mention I'm taking the day off? Using up sick time before it disappears. I read some of the paper. Listened to The Pastels and The Velvet Underground. Had a pork chop with my eggs. I need to go put the slip covers through a cycle. I might go to the library.
Either I go back to school or sell a screenplay. Of course I'd have to write one first. I've presented myself with this very choice before and chose neither. What is this, 1993? I have a pretty good job. I guess I'm thinking of retirement. Jesus, this is just one day off.
Does anyone know of a good screenwriting class?

old shopping list ( I wish I could remember this recipe)

10 oz shitake, 10 oz crimini.
Shallots
Garlic
Sage
Parmesan
Honey
Strawberries
Salad
Carrot
Broc
Green beans
Fruit
Olive oil
Pasta
Pancetta

some sent box, 6/14/09-6/25/09

Dude, you must. It wouldn't be out of place at Squalor Ranch, so WTF?!
When are you going to get on facebook so I can peep like a Tom on you?
Does J still have that glorious moos-tosh? You, the mustache-less beardo? Are you going hither and thither this summer? I heard via FB that the nephews will be in the Adirondacks. I'll never forgive X for ruining that trip for me. Purple scooter, indeed!

I left a copy of them on E's desk.

Great to have you, T.

Re: your talk with everyone via skype, is there any indication of what our future holds?

OMG! I was telling M that story the other day because we were in Marin and I recalled going with you to first meet Y there. I still CANNOT BELIEVE O did that, and she didn't just do it to me, she did it to all young, sexy, horny people everywhere. That was my last flush, man!
I'm married and committed to something bigger now, something as permanent as death will allow. Yet that Vermont summer day and it's lost chance is placed in my memory like an unknown woman's laughter through a high open window; a small, passing sign of glee, not to be yours but sweet nonetheless. It's minor but not insignificant. There is something all too timeless in the whole story. From Y's sudden arrival and spontaneous plunge into the pond, to O's middle aged snickering regarding my angry pouting later while cooking dinner. She took pleasure in quashing our pleasure. Woman is a sweet and terrible mystery, my friend!

D and I talked this morning and we came up with something like this:
Monday: D drops off (leaves C with me to go to LH); S picks up
Tuesday: D drops off ("); I pick up
Wednesday: I drop off (leave M with D to take to LH); T or S (?) pick up
Thursday: S drops off; "family campfire"
Friday: M drops off (leaves M with D to go to LH); M picks up.
If this doesn't work for anyone let's figure it out here...

watching US Open, or has he gotten to go play? Did you see the FS review in the NY Times last month?

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2009/06/24/BAUH18CIJG.DTL

Hope you're recovering well! Can I ask the painters to paint the nurse's office? They're still here, by the way. Also, when were the floor guys coming? They've still not shown.

Thanks B, had to ask.

tanks!~

I guess it's not at the zoo.

I'm interested in your feedback on this. When it became clear that any ... change would initiate on July 1, I told you that my family had a vacation planned for the middle of July and wondered if that would now be problematic. You said then that you didn't think so. Since then, our plans have changed and we aren't leaving town. However, I didn't secure daycare for the kids during those two weeks. I could make the effort to do so if you felt at this point that my absence ...would be a problem so early into our change of format, etc.. I feel like the true transition ...is one of "mindset" and maybe a little cultural/habitual stuff and therefore is something that will happen mostly organically and over time. However,.. getting used to new day structure,..There's also the question of ...visits and ...meetings (should we go long term), new placement...etc. I know that J is feeling anxious and will probably be pretty stressed those two weeks. It would probably be necessary for you or T to check in with her a few times a week.
I'd accept and understand if you thought I should postpone my time off and look for options to make myself available. But I'm also asking your advice ... just considering ... health ... Am I overestimating the effect of my absence..?

That might be the perfect image of my failure!(below) Hewitt only? Not that Hewitt's not plenty, Hewitt's a damn fine "only".... hugs and kisses to everyone, everyone, you must!

Don't mind at all...

M just called my cell phone and I apologize if I was quick with her but I'm at work and was surprised to hear such a little voice! we have plans immediately following...

We have a land line but no phone, though we pay a bill... and I don't know the number!

Just to let you know, concerning the continuing ...experiment, J was again adamant today that placement... only be granted at the hospital.

---

Abridged Sent Box May 1-5 2009

August 15th Dylan plays at a minor league ballpark in Stockton. Pre-sale tickets go on sale at bobdylan.com on May 25th at 10am. It's gen. admission but I want to make sure we get tickets. Kids are free and we'll be taking ours. He's doing this ballpark tour with Willie and John Cougar. I'd be willing to be forced to watch cougar for 48 hours with those scarey fork things stretching my eyes open just to see Dylan and Willie rock a minor league ballpark. They plump when you cook em. It would be great to go in a seething unwieldy crowd, so come on along!

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2009/05/03/RE1F17AJ8C.DTL

check it out

That's hard to hear. I hope the boy is o.k.. absolutely would make a DB-Q on the boat, that would be sweet. I'll get on that boat anytime! What are the chances of surfing Thursday?

I know in the past you've been the "mat lady" for the show. Very late getting to you this year, I know, but we figured we'd farm out the matting to several people, maybe have one big mat-a-thon the night before.

Well Stockton is MUCH closer. And Fresno is smoggy as fuck.

My question to you though is, do you have some kind of connect at Cheap Pete's as far as getting mat board? Can you help us here, or just give your veteran advice?

Dudes! I want to get this machine!

So are you saying it's a done deal? They're divorcing?

Hang in there, man. Call anytime.

Did something happen on your camping trip? M read some weird messages on Facebook...

Abso-fuckin-lute!

Was he served papers?

That's horrible. Sounds like it came out o.k., I mean, as long as the burns aren't in sensitive places. Poor little guy.
I guess that kinda ruined the weekend. Were you guys able to divert all the other kids? That must have been a scene with all those people...

Did she call you?

Oh shit! Labels! There might be a parent with that capability... Did you get names of folks who need hours? We could float it out to both those groups. Otherwise we'll have to hand write them during the set up. Do we have more of that vinyl we stapled up for the auction?

Good to hear. When's GR back?

Do you think Pete donates them?

You can always drop in. Always.

I asked her. She said she thinks so. I'll have to go in. There was art in the box for 9 kids. I'm hoping you picked some up. I'm about to send out an e-mail...
Also, I've got one person signed up for set up and one for clean up. Do I need to corral some more people?

Been too long.

Art Show this Saturday 2pm - 4pm.
Put a favorite work of art by your prodigy of a progeny in the box by Friday.
Stop by the show, have a glass of bubbly (mineral water) and some cheese (cheddar); peruse the work of these geniuses we're raising.

It means the Giants have a real chance of being in 1st place in the NL west by the all star break!

---

99

The motel we used was beside the freeway and the window of the room was level with the overpass so that cars travelling 60 plus miles an hour and their drivers and passengers were less than 20 feet from us while we were naked on starched sheets rolling and tumbling in sweat, stopping to smoke cigarettes. My dog lie with his chin on his crossed paws blinking at us ashamed for us, disappointed in me. He was always disappointed in me and when I saw him again years after giving him to a farmer in Salinas he pretended not to know me and I understood that he was better off. This was when I lived near the state hospital and used food stamps to buy beer at a gas station that let me.